


Kissing By Numbers

by unrealkinkster (criticalkink)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series) RPF
Genre: F/F, F/M, Kissing, Kissing Games, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:22:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13734984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criticalkink/pseuds/unrealkinkster
Summary: The Campaign Two sequel to Filter By Relationship. The List was compiled by hand-counting ship tags on 6-Feb-18 so it is already outdated! Set immediately after the episode of Talks that covered campaign two episode four.





	Kissing By Numbers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Filter By Relationship](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11984628) by [unrealkinkster (criticalkink)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/criticalkink/pseuds/unrealkinkster). 



> Originally posted to the kmeme [here](https://criticalkink.dreamwidth.org/3385.html?thread=491577#cmt491577).

“Okay, it looks like we’re starting with Taliesin needing a bunch of lip balm,” Brian says.

This time around is going to be a lot different. For starters, Brian has appointed himself Keeper of The List. Second of all, everyone else has been badgering him all night to explain how he came up with The List, and Brian’s keeping his mouth shut on that. (Just like he’s going to have to keep his mouth shut for everything else, ha ha. Oh, _maybe_ his name comes up in the RPF category, but of all the places he’s willing to poke around on the internet, that is not one of them.) And finally, Liam’s already been making out with Sam for a good ten minutes now, the two of them not having moved from their end of the _Talks_ couch since the cameras stopped rolling.

Taliesin gives Brian a purple-lipsticked pretty pout. “Oh dear, don’t tell me Mollymauk is, predictably, the new campaign bike?”

“I’m afraid I _can’t_ tell you that, Taliesin, because it’s not true.” Brian leaves Taliesin with his mouth hanging open for a second before adding, “But two of your pairings did come in at numbers ten and nine respectively.”

(He’ll deal with number eight when he gets to it.)

“Tell us,” Travis says with a gleam in his eye. Brian’s not _positive_ , but he’s reasonably certain that maybe, just maybe, Travis is aware of Fjord’s… _popularity_.

“Okay. Uh, at number ten we have some tiefling-on-tiefling action with Molly and Jester.”

With the game beginning, the room goes somewhat quieter and Liam takes his hand out of Sam’s shirt, pulling it halfheartedly closed. Matt pulls Marisha a little closer on his lap, confident that this time around it’s unlikely any of his NPCs will be involved.

Travis and Laura are occupying the two-thirds of the couch that doesn’t contain the Samiam chimera, and Taliesin holds both hands out to Laura, pulling her to her feet and then dipping her ostentatiously. It is indeed very showy and flourishy, most becoming of Mollymauk and Jester.

Brian only knows of round one via word of mouth, mostly Ashley’s mouth. He’s mostly sorry that he missed watching Matt making out with his own hand. So, he’s not entirely sure how much of this is another form of character play, and how much is the standard issue after- _After Dark_ sort of activity that the crew discreetly pack up and leave to avoid.

It could really be either, he thinks, looking at Taliesin’s hand in Laura’s hair, at Travis watching the two of them with an amused smile.

“Okay, guys, don’t wear your tongues out,” Brian says, not exactly sure how to emcee what amounts to a riff on Spin the Bottle. Taliesin lowers Laura back to her spot on the couch and looks expectantly at Brian.

“Coming in at number nine is everyone’s favorite circus duo, Molly and Yasha.”

“But Ashley’s not—” Laura begins.

“Sure I’m here,” Ashley herself says, strolling onto the set. “You don’t think I’d miss this, do you?”

Brian knows damn well she wouldn’t; her voicemail had said she was hanging out in the kitchen, so if they could round everyone else up onto the set, now was the time. But then, he also knows where else Yasha appears on The List, and he wouldn’t put it past Ashley to have snuck a peek at his phone at some point.

If he thinks back really hard, there was a time when this would have seemed strange. It’s not that he’s unfamiliar with the concept of ethical non-monogamy, or polyamory, or whatever label can be applied to a bunch of very close friends who occasionally make out. But somehow since the first time Taliesin pulled him in for something that was more than a peck on the cheek he’s stopped thinking of it as strange and started thinking of it as, well, Tuesday.

Ashley kisses the top of his head on her way past before draping her arms over Taliesin’s shoulders to tug him toward her. If it’s meant to give her the illusion of being taller than him, it profoundly does not work.

“Shouldn’t you be standing on a box or something, babe?” Brian asks.

“If you want this to be in character, Liam has to not shower for a week first,” Ashley answers before claiming her kiss.

It still seems characteristic of Yasha and Molly more than Ashley and Taliesin, though; a kiss between two friends who’ve grown close and decided _well, why not_ more than anything else. It makes Brian wonder how the rest of the kisses are going to play out. Is this what they did last time, let the characters bleed through?

“Number eight is a three-way.”

Matt bursts out laughing. “A three-way! Already!”

“I’d be lying if I said I’m not at least a little proud of the fandom right now,” Liam says fondly.

“Who is it?” Laura clamors.

“Uh, that would be Fjord, Jester, and Molly.”

Travis reaches up, grips Taliesin’s wrist, and pulls him down onto his lap. The couch grumbles under the weight of five grown adults. Travis kisses his wife first, doing a thorough job of it, while Taliesin snuggles complacently in against his solid body. Then Travis switches to Taliesin, and from what Brian can see kisses him just as thoroughly. Taliesin makes a surprised noise, which must be a first in the history of Taliesin’s kissing life, and then Laura nuzzles into the side of his neck and Taliesin all but disappears into a warm snuggle of Bailinghams.

This is a problem, because Brian needs Laura. Twice. The next two pairings actually have the same story count, but if he’s disrupting the Bailingham-Jaffe cuddle pile he might as well disrupt the Samiam huddle as well.

(Brian doesn’t _care_ if Marisha picked “Marishatt” herself, he is _not_ using it.)

“Laura and Liam, Jester and Caleb are next up at number seven.”

“But he’s so _steeeenky_ ,” Laura complains, disentangling herself and standing up nonetheless.

“ _Caleb_ is. _I’m_ not,” Liam says, rising to his feet to join her. Sam looks grumpy and Brian absently wonders whether Scanlan got any play last time around. He doesn’t remember Ash mentioning a Scanlan/Pike smooch; perhaps canon hadn’t kicked in just yet, the way that it has for Vaxleth and Perc’ahlia and right now he hates himself for knowing way more about these numbers than he really wanted to.

Laura leans in with her nose wrinkled anyway and gives Liam the barest peck before dissolving into giggles and kissing him properly. One of Liam’s hands twirls a few strands of her hair into a curl and he murmurs something against her mouth that Brian doesn’t hear. Judging from the snicker that bursts out of Laura, it involves either horns, horniness, or donuts.

“The good news is he’s not stinky,” Laura says.

“I could have told you that,” Sam says, reclaiming his husband.

“Stay up, Laura,” Brian says before she can resume her seat. “Jester and Beau are at number six.”

“Are any of these ones those friendship pairings this time around?” Travis asks. “I remember we had that last time with the twins, and I’m sure there’s got to be at least one on this list.”

_Well, shit_. Brian hadn’t taken that into account, but covers easily enough as Marisha rises off Matt’s lap. “Travis, if you really want to see Liam and Sam engage in friendly human-goblin smooching, I don’t think you even have to ask.”

True to form, Laura’s torn off a bite of donut and stuck it in her mouth just as Marisha approaches her. Not that this stops either of them; Laura drapes her sugary hands around Marisha’s neck and does a little hop and suddenly she’s got her legs around Marisha’s waist. Marisha shows no sign of dropping her, hands tucking under her ass _mostly_ for support, waiting until Laura swallows before kissing her. Her body may be slight, but Brian knows how strong she actually is. It doesn’t hurt that, despite the donuts, Laura’s pretty light.

“Beau and Jester, huh?” Brian _can_ hear Marisha; she’s not trying to keep her voice down. “I guess that would be one way to keep you from jumping on the bed.”

Laura cocks her head with a charming grin. “I could draw you like a French lady!”

“France doesn’t exist on Exandria,” Matt says.

“Like a Marquesian lady?”

“Close enough.” Matt looks like he’s building a continent in his head.

Marisha sets Laura back down and wipes powdered sugar off her upper lip. “Mmmm, yeah, I can see that working out.”

“What about number five?” Brian asks. “Can you see Molly and Caleb working out?”

Taliesin leans over to Liam, not that there’s much space to speak of between them on the couch. “Two road-hardened wanderers coming together at the end of a long day for a tumble?” he asks in Molly’s voice, and Liam answers in Caleb’s, “We’d have to shut the goblin and the cat out.” _Cat_ comes out _ket_ ; Brian wonders if Liam realizes just how charming those little nuances are.

“Great, now I’m just ‘the goblin’,” Sam grumbles.

Taliesin kisses Sam’s forehead before turning to Liam. It’s _hungry_ between the two of them in a way it wasn’t with Taliesin and Ashley; hungry and deep, Liam pulling Taliesin’s hair and Taliesin nipping at Liam’s lower lip. They don’t come up for air for some time; Brian sees a clear look of jealousy pass across Sam’s face. He must be used to sharing by now, but there’s sharing and then there’s being up close and personal while the two of them ravage one another’s mouths.

Perhaps sensing this, Liam’s the one to pull away. His lower lip looks particularly bee-stung, and Sam immediately kisses it, giving Taliesin a cross little glare. Taliesin says, “Sorry,” and then, “but you’ll thank me later.”

Judging from the look on Sam’s face and the way he pulls Liam possessively against him, Brian thinks there’s exactly one thing on the agenda for later and it has nothing to do with remembering gratitude to Taliesin.

“So, ah, who’s at number four?” Matt asks, moving the game along before Sam bites Taliesin on the shins or something.

“Number four, you ask?” Brian checks The List. “Well, that would be Fjord and Jester. I guess what they say about onscreen sexual tension disappearing once the couple’s done it in real life is bullshit.”

“Most of what ‘they’ say is bullshit,” Ashley says. “Whoever ‘they’ are.”

“Can we just do this so I can finish my donut?” Laura demands, and her voice sounds very Jester-ish.

“Would Jester prioritize donuts over sex?” Marisha says.

“Does _Laura_ prioritize donuts over sex?” Brian grins at Travis, who flips him the bird at the same time as he’s kissing Laura.

“There are some pretty good donuts out there,” Ashley says dreamily, making Travis break the kiss with a snorting laugh.

“Y’know it doesn’t have to be either/or… she’s a good multitasker.”

“Now there’s _another_ reason I don’t ever want to wash your sheets,” Brian says. It’s a bit of a non-sequitur, but it makes Travis start giggling, which is always entertaining. Unfortunately, it’s also poorly timed in this instance, because they’re onto the top three and Fjord has a lot of involvement there.

“You don’t need to go far for number three, Travis; he’s already sitting on you.”

“Fjord and _Molly_ got higher than Fjord and Jester?” Laura says. “But he’s known Jester longer! Why?”

“Believe me, I don’t know either. I just counted the tags. I didn’t read any of the fic.”

(This is a bald-faced lie, or at least would be bald-faced if Brian didn’t have such a splendid beard.)

“Don’t forget the three of us came in eighth,” Taliesin reminds her. “Apparently green and blue or purple is the new black.”

“It does make the fanart very pretty,” Liam says.

There’s something different about how Taliesin kisses Travis and Brian figures it out pretty fast: he’s not taking it for granted, even after their earlier shared kiss. He’s not grabby like with Liam, not until Travis folds one arm close around his shoulders and pulls him tight against his chest. Then, yes, there’s a certain amount of grabby. Brian glances over at Matt and Marisha, who both look amused. Sometimes these nights wind up with Taliesin going home with them, but he has the definite feeling that tonight, Taliesin’s going home with the Bailinghams.

Marisha looks back at him with a grin. “So, are Beau and Yasha number two or number one?” Her forehead furrows a little as the grin turns to a frown. “Wait, who else is top two?”

“Definitely not Matt and his own hand,” Brian says, making Matt snicker.

“Yeah, who else _would_ it be?” Sam asks. “Oh, wait, it’s got to be Fjord and Beau, right? I mean, they’ve travelled together nearly as long as Fjord and Jester.”

Brian doesn’t have the heart to tell him that Beau and Fjord didn’t even make the top ten. He’s also going to stay quiet on the topic of the _other_ three-way—Beau, Fjord, and Caleb—that he still hasn’t figured out the impetus for. No, that will have to remain a mystery for now, at least until he has the time to go back through his bookmarks.

“You’re right that Beau and Yasha are number two,” is what he _does_ say, and Ashley lets out a whoop of delight, leaning over from the chair she and Brian are sharing to the chair Matt and Marisha are sharing. Then, because this is precariously dangerous, both of them stand up and then wrap around each other as though they’ve been waiting to do so all night.

“I feel like if this doesn’t happen in canon, I’m going to have to make more lesbian NPCs so that the fandom doesn’t go crazy for lack of lady-loving,” Matt comments, watching his wife bury her hands in Ashley’s blonde hair.

“I feel like fandom would appreciate it.” Brian’s just waiting for the first NPC/PC pairing to appear on the list. Unless the party spend more time in Alfield than Trostenwald, he’s not holding out hope for it to happen until they hit Zadash. Considering that Alfield’s smaller than Trostenwald, the chance of a good solid potential love interest recurring NPC is unlikely, unless they’re an excellent baker and Jester kidnaps them to provide pastries on the road.

Maybe he should suggest that to Matt.

Marisha and Ashley don’t look like they’re going to wrap things up any time soon, and Brian’s not entirely sure of the protocol for reminding them that there’s still one last pairing. Maybe that’s _why_ they’re unwilling to stop; they don’t want to be reminded that someone else came in as a more popular pairing than the power lesbians.

“I don’t see how anyone could look at these two and think ‘hey, there’s a more compelling pairing than that’,” Travis says.

“We’re not actually on the internet right now, so nobody’s looking.”

Brian finally just stands up and taps Ashley on the shoulder. She turns to him, eyes sparkling, lips pretty kiss-pink, hair rumpled, and pulls him in for his own enthusiastic smooch. Judging from the surprised squeak that Matt makes, Marisha is subjecting him to the same treatment. And here he’d always thought that lesbian porn was meant to be for the benefit of the male viewers, not to get the lesbians themselves all worked up.

(He’s vaguely aware that if he said this out loud, someone would throw something at him. Not his finest mental commentary.)

“So, who’s number one?” Travis asks, and the look on his face once again suggests he knows something that he’s not saying.

“I’m so glad you asked, Travis, because it’s Fjord and Caleb.”

“Fjord and _Caleb_?” most of the group choruses, and Marisha adds, “Not Beau?” sounding rather disappointed.

Travis is already dislodging Taliesin from his lap and standing up, and at the other end of the couch Liam’s disentangling himself from Sam.

“What would a half-orc warlock want with a grubby human wizard?” Sam asks.

“Comparing wand sizes?” Taliesin manages to grab Sam’s wrist before Sam can smack him.

“They’ve both got good heads on their shoulders, they’re like the party tacticians,” Laura says, watching her husband lift Liam clean off the ground.

“It’s not their _shoulder_ heads I’m worried about.” Sam looks really pouty as Liam wraps his legs around Travis’s waist, his arms around Travis’s neck, and, from what Brian can tell, his lips around Travis’s tongue.

“Oh Sam, re _lax_ ,” Laura says, pulling Taliesin closer to herself. “You can have him back in a minute and I’ll take Travis home and everyone will be happy.”

“I’ll be happier if you take me home with you,” Taliesin says, nuzzling her neck.

“I didn’t want to _assume_ …” Laura glances at Matt and Marisha. Marisha gives her an _after-you-my-dear-Alphonse_ gesture and Laura kisses the side of Taliesin’s head. Then Marisha holds her hand out to Ashley, who goes to stand with them.

“Well, it looks like _that’s_ all decided, so whenever you’re done, Travis,” he says awkwardly.

Travis’s hands are still firmly cupping Liam’s ass as Liam wraps around him, but he does break the kiss. “Oh, come now, maybe I’m _enjoyin_ ’ my time with this _dirty_ wizard,” he says in Fjord’s Southern accent, and Liam starts laughing. Most of the room does, actually, the exception of course being Liam’s glowering husband.

“Is Sam _really_ that jealous?” Brian asks quietly as Liam finally slithers out of Travis’s grip.

“No,” Liam says equally quietly, catching the genuine concern in Brian’s voice. “But we’re going to have a lot of fun pretending.” He blows kisses around the group even as Sam grabs his wrist and tows him rapidly off the set.

Brian looks at Taliesin and Laura, rising up from the couch hand in hand and both reaching out for Travis; at Matt and Marisha snuggled together with Ashley draped over the arm of their chair waiting for him to join them.

They _trust_ him. They all _trust_ him not to bullshit around with The List, that it isn’t something he pulled out of his ass or made up on the spot, that he’s done his fandom research and honored the game.

Next time, he’s going to fuck with their heads _so hard_.


End file.
